Bumps to babes, and babes to big girls.

Well, after a completely unnecessary long break, I'm back.

First things first, introducing DD2! She came 12 days late on the 28th September 2013, but thankfully all by herself after I declined induction.

She has since then been diagnosed and commenced treatment for hip dysplasia. Sadly a month in a Pavlik harness didn't do enough, so she is booked for an arthogram next week. This is when they inject dye into her hip under a general anaesthetic, and use x-ray to determine what is stopping her hip from staying in joint. They will then perform either a closed reduction, and fit a spica cast, or possibly bring her back another day if she needs an open reduction.

I'm utterly gutted, but not in the way you might think. Yes, it's better now than after she's walking, yes, she's not suffering at this age because they don't know this isn't normal, yes, it's curable with very little chance of ongoing issues. But I grew this little girl, my body put her together out of materials carried in my very bloodstream, I protected her from every possible harm both before and after she was born. I'm not blaming myself that one part of her went together badly, that would be pointless.

I feel so bad because I can't protect her from being handed over by her own mother, to be forced into sleeping so a group of (very good, kind, professional and talented) almost strangers can inject dye into her hip and possibly perform surgery to put her hip into the place it should be; and from waking up feeling strange, smelling strange things, possibly feeling sick or hurting.

I can't protect her from that - I actually have to give her up to it.

:-(

Sx

You know its been a long day of caring for a tiny when...

...you get changed for bed and realise your knickers have been on inside out all day! Xx
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone on O2

Out of the mouths of babes.

"Mummy, your tummy is squishy".
DD this morning when lying her head on my tummy to see if the baby would kick her.

Thanks Dear, it's true, but thanks all the same :-)
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone on O2

Faith

I've been thinking about faith a lot lately. You see, my family and I have been thrown into a situation, and there's a very real chance only the grace and mercy of God will see us through to the other side intact.

It's not of our doing, nor have we done anything wrong, but it's sadly something that will take time, heartache and faith to fix.

I obviously don't want to be any more specific than that, but it has kept me thinking about faith.

We've been through some really hard times before, and I've always seen God's hand guiding us through. Sometimes not until afterwards, as you do, but His signature on the work was eventually found. Usually when you discover that something happened that helped you tremendously, but you didn't find out until long after. You are then left feeling guilty that you doubted, but humbled and awed and desperately grateful in the same trembling breath.

I have another issue in this though. Whilst I have no reason to feel that God is not in control, nor that He will allow us to fall in this circumstance; I know He has the power to end this at any point - but I fear that, as it's me, I am not worthy of being saved from this.
I know He could, but not that He would.
I believe, help my unbelief.

Don't all shout at once!
I know this thinking is flawed, it comes from my faltering sense of self-esteem. I find it hard to keep it tied down and under control at times like this.

We are all guilty of far worse than the things I am referring to. Yet God has freely paid that price for us all, including me. There is no good reason that He would not save me from this too. It's true I don't deserve to be saved, but neither does anyone else.

Yet still there are times when God saves, and times He does not, and we have no understanding of the differences in those people.

I know we aren't living for this life, we live for what comes next, but I must support and cradle my faith so I can make it that far.

Why the photo of Dog1? He told me something about faith today.

This was the picture I just took while he watched me eating breakfast. We don't feed the dogs from our plates, I hate being oggled for every mouthful, so they usually get sent to lie down elsewhere till everyone is finished. They get the leftovers in their bowls when it's time for their dinner.

Yet they both insist there is still a chance worth waiting for. They watch us with their eyes and noses, whilst trying not to look like they are paying attention with their bodies. Their faith has not been rewarded in years, not by me at any rate! Yet they watch everyone the same, quietly sneaking closer on their bellies if you don't spot them.

At the end, they gratefully, and graciously, inhale (imaginary?) crumbs from the floor by your feet and seem instantly satisfied. That tiny insignificant crumb is enough to keep their faith till the next meal.

What if my faith was like that? Quietly counting on God's grace and mercy at every opportunity, crawling on my belly to His feet that I may catch every tiny insignificant Blessing that falls.

The dogs aren't stupid, nor has this behaviour been deliberately reinforced, so they must genuinely have a heart full of hope. They may well die without this daily ritual of faith being rewarded.

I wonder, could I do that?

I also wonder, if when I look at God the way dog1 looks at me in this photo, is He also moved by His love for me to consider that silent plea?

My faith stands. It's all I am asked to do.

Take the world, but give me....?

Whilst making lunch for DD (38 mths) and myself (17 weeks pregnant!); I have taken to playing Christian worship CDs from my childhood so I sing along instead of thinking about something else and getting sidetracked. Radio doesn't work as I haven't a clue to the words of most of what they play!

I'm joyfully bellowing along to Matt Redmond's "Take the world, but give me Jesus".... when I am delighted to hear DD is singing right along with me, at the top of her little but considerable lungs. A verse and chorus later, I bring our lunch into the room she's in, and hand it to her while still singing. I then discover she's actually singing, "Take the world, but give me che-ese"!

Doh Mummy! x

A new start

Finally, hello, welcome and hooray!

After becoming too ashamed of the state of my previous blog to draw attention to it by actually posting, I've finally migrated myself over here to rid myself of that excuse. Now we shall see if an excuse is all it was!

I just spent the whole day argueing with template designer about showing my imported background, instead of playing with my LO. But the deed is done now. Stupidest fix imaginable; I'd disabled the mobile site and after spotting someone else on the forum with the same problem had found it magically fixed after they enabled the mobile site I tried it. - Taaa daaa!

I've decided to join in late with the 31 days linky party (is that what you call it?) I heard about it at one of my favourite blogs here at sarahmae and she started it by joining here at Nester's 31 days. I've not put my own button anywhere (I don't have one) and I've not mentioned it anywhere but here. Perhaps I will have learned how by next years 31 days if she repeats it. Btw, if you do visit Nester's site, I found the pictures of her 'nest' totally inspiring. Really great examples of making a BEAUTIFUL home on a budget, without that budget look. Her family home is utterly gorgeous and cozy yet blatently real. And it's rented, not even like she has total free reign like we supposedly do in our mortgaged flat.

I'm trying to complete and continue in 31 days of building 2dogsandapushchair. Today is the 8th April '13 (hence the -ish) and flylady says it takes 21 days to form a new habit (along with many other people of course) so this takes me neatly to 8th May.

Please do join me, perhaps there is something you've been meaning to get started, or continued, or completed or finished? Share it in the comments and we can support each other.

Belated as it is (31 days was in October '12!), I'm going to try to think about my mission statement; why it is I'm doing this.

The biggest driving factor is to do with feeling isolated and reaching out. I'm in the UK, I'm 29 at time of posting, a Christian, married to a non-Christian, we have a daughter, two dogs and a mortgage amongst many other blessings. I actually want to stay home, rear my children (working on more, now 17 weeks pregnant, yey!), grow in God, build a beautiful home and love my wonderful husband to bits. We can't afford for me to do that, so I work full time (50hrs a week) but get to care for our daughter while I'm doing it. I consider myself a modern, traditional wife and mother.

I get amazing inspiration and support from the lovely online blogs I follow, but at the time of writing, every single one is based in America. No harm to them, they have supported me without ever knowing it, but I cannot believe I am the only woman who feels this way in the UK. Many of the women I know here, excluding some close friends and family, have subscribed to that feminist ideal that it's not their job to care for the home and children just because they are female, and certainly not their husbands, that men are lost without their women, and stupid into the bargain. This idea has so permeated our culture, that husband/male-partner/father/brother bashing is an accepted/expected form of social ettiquette all women must practice. Chauvenistic males may have beaten their wives in the past (and sadly the present), but is the emotional bashing of men by women in the modern age actually any better? The sufferagettes fought valiently for equality, not role reversal. A recent change in Bristish law has allowed that ongoing emotional abuse is now considered a form of assault similar to physical abuse. This is wonderful, but I wonder how many women realise they are already guilty of this newly defined crime against the men they love?
It's not easy, I have to physically stop and bite my tongue at times to stop myself jumping on the male bashing bandwagon when meeting with women. It's not that mine is perfect, it's that I know I'm nothing like perfect myself - and woe betide the partners of these women if they were to verbally bash their wives down the pub, yet it's acceptable the other way around? No way! No more.

I strongly believe that men and women are made to be better at certain things, fighting our nature is misguided and only leads to unhappiness; especially for those around us and the children who lose a valid role model in the process.

The other thought strong in me right now is killing off that word 'perfect'. I feared writing my last blog because the appearance wasn't 'perfect', and then I put off writing this first post because the background wasn't 'perfect'. It's that old fear of falling short, being worthless or close to it, 'not good enough'. Waiting to write this once I have the skills to build my background, header, buttons and sidebars from scratch only reminds me that I can't do it.

There is a hard place to correspond with this wall I'm banging my head against. By jumping in too quickly on a whim I built my old blog without researching my options, being ready to write, and only trapping myself when I was too ashamed to draw attention to it and only making myself even more frustrated that I wasn't born with innate web development skills! Why are our fears always so illogical, yet hurt so keenly? I'm reading an ebook that I believe to be answering that question, will share it with you when I'm finished reading it or I'll have done all my writing today for the week.

On that note, I would proudly like to point out that nothing in this blog is my own work! Shabbyblogs and cutestblogontheblock and the designers at blogger are to thank for this. For now. (If any seasoned UK web designers are up for a swapaskill teaching me/making some elements for this blog and website in return for sewing or knitting craft/lessons/presents or Christmas wrapping do drop me an email - you never know!)

In so, in Him, until tomorrow
Sx